Friday Morning

Oh yesterday - another bad day. Started before 7am - not good but at least being nil bymouth I had no worries about getting breakfast in. Doctor said I needed to be there between 7.30 and 8am . So Jean called a taxi at 7.30 and we veritably flew to Aintree, 10 quid for the ride but no worries. Arrived cheerfully at the ward and allocated a bed in room 4. Pleased to see both Wigan and Gallman already in situ, Wiganman got into the bed at 6pm last night. Asked some questions by really nice nurse all the usual about makeup, crowns and false limbs. Tried to refrain from making quips that she had heard a thousand times, but couldn't resist and got her with two she said she hadnt heard before and she appeared to be amused. Interupted by Specialist Registrar, with two students in tow. This is Mr Clare - He had a Vertical banded gastroplasty in september and has now started to put on weight, ER NO I INTERRUPTED, I HAD A ROUX EN Y AND HAVE BEEN BARFFING SINCE, AND I HAVE LOST 10 ST 9LBS AND GAINED LESS THAN A KILO IN THE LAST WEEK. As soon as the words uttered from these innocent lips I knew I had made a grave error.Contradicting him in front of med students was a major war crime. He promised to draw them a diagram later (probably of the M25 I thought but somehow managed to restrain from saying it), I was second on the list so be expecting about 10am. Cool I thought, I had deliberately travelled light one carrier bag containing only a guardian couple of mags and a book about weight loss. Still the mental clock told me I could be home about 2pm worst case scenario - not bad. Met George in next bad what you in for I asked, "removal of pollack from up my arse," side effect from cancer a few years ago. Unlikely that a pelagic fish was resting there I suggested "polyp," thats the word he said. Turns out 88 year old George was going to be the saviour of my stay, his acute Liverpool wit was in top form, and his stories from the war were crackers. I spoke to him for over an hour, he was at Dunkirk in WW2 and ended up in bomb disposal. A great bloke, riddled with cancer but cracking funnies and flirting with the nurses like a good un. On the other side was a man who seemed to have a pair of pigs trotters grafted on to his feet, didnt look good and well sore I thought. Turns out he was to be "double bunion man." 9.30 approached time to strip off and don my ill fitting theatre gown. Despite the rapid weight loss there was still a six inch shortfall at the back. Having read about this on some weight loss site I asked for another gown and wore that back to front. Dignity preserved I went ( wearing two gowns and approved pure cotton boxers) for my last pee. Came back to my chair and duly went into hyperpanic mode.
Now let me explain, I was frightened of the bypass op, but this was nowt I have had two gastroscopies in the past and seen several inflicted on people over the years. Hailed as a miracle of diagnostics, I was still not keen. Swalling that ominous black looking thing while being told to relax was not for me, and have I mentioned the gag reflex, put your fingers down your throat and gag, mine is really good, especially trained up after all this vomitting. Warning bells were starting to clang, fight or flight, they call it. I sat there suffering for hours silently, looked at the clock and its twenty five to ten.Still the breakfast that a couple of lads had looked awful and I wasnt bothered I read the Guardian cover to cover all three sections. Looked at clock twenty to ten, Decided to have some sport, wigan and gall were both daily mail men (see yesterday) but I had todays newspaper. Would you like to see it, they took it in good stead, there was an article about Jamie bulgers killers suggesting they should never have gone down for it. I waited and waited and waited.........................................................................................................
Dinner time came too that looked ok, sandwiches soup and pud. 2pm I asked nice nurse what was going on, yup I was second on thelist but the Doc shouldnt have given you a time. Maybe the first case turned out complex, fair doos.
3 o'clock asked other nurse, I'll ring theatre she said complex case on the table running late fair doos.
Teatime spoke to Jean, I had gone to sit at the nurses station as the food was making me sick. I said after consultation come in at 8 and bring a bag for the night stay or take me home.
6 came and went - Exgall man returned from theatre, porter lady said I'll change the trolley bedding then I am taking you down . result, I had to be restrained for jumping on staright away.
Downhill push till theatre, thought this will be bad coming back. Got to waiting area - 8 hour wait had helped settle my anxiety. Clearly some cock up as they said you shouldnt be here yet - I looked for something to chain the trolley to - I aint going nowhere.
Mr K the surgeon turns up and apologises, explains the scope cleaner had broke this morning got it fixed this affy. So they rearranged the list and and put big case on first. Mr K had told someone to ring the wards of me and the other guy who seemed to be having a similar thing done, to say it would be after 6 and we could drink till 12. Message never got through, was I fed up. While I was able to sit at the nurses station, the staff had looked at the hospital intranet, to see in real time the menu in the staff canteen, they can see where prescriptions are up to in pharmacy why arent the theatre lists on line?????????? With patents name procedure and status - pending - in progress, on ward totally bewildered etc. You cannot blame the Docs and nurses clearly someone needs to manage this it was a mess.
The two nurses who waited with me in theatre were the best great at conversing and relaxing me turns out they were D grades (lowest qualified in theatre), promote them immediatly they could see all the problems. They had the solutions but nobody seemed to ask them. The clinical care was faultless, as ever. I told Mr K I was terrified and wanted a big slug of some drug. We had a chat about the website and to be honest I was so strung out I cant remember much. Other man went first i spoke to nurse which reassured me (or at least diverted me).
Wheeled in, bg slug of drug and spray into back of throat, spray tastes of rotten bananas, says Mr K and something else, oh and petrol says he's right, another flambe dessert idea.
Wake up in recovery, had a stretch I think no ulcers, good see him soon. Can stay or go home. Up to me (and Jean I thought) Saw Dr Shearer the anaesthetist from bypass I think but could have been a near death experience - that was good stuff. Run back up hill to ward, cant have been easy. Straight to chair and got dressed, still drunk. Need a pee and a drink before you can go said nurses. Fair doos. Drink, water milk, pee, Jean arrives walk round the ward. DO you think I am fit love? Yes Can I go nurse? I am gone fall asleep in the car, pick Ally up from somwhere watch ER??? fall asleep go to bed wake up with sore throat.
Overall feeling relief - I survived the system Ken 2 Aintree 0.