I help JK load Big ken into his van for necessary repair work and transport to Dudley. It has been decreed that bigboy and I cannot travel in the same vehicle for fear of accident, bit like the royals. I away to see Frank for a 11am slot. Arrive at 5 to the hour. Frank did once confuse me by being ready on the dot. This guy is quality primary care writ large you dont get the allotted 10mins with Frankie. I had taken the Guardian and the Bible JK gave me and read the excellent letters to Mr Bush in G2 Online here as well as an Amusing Steve Bell. top stuff. Get in about 12.05 and given 25 mins top listening, diagnosing treating holistic primary care.
Whilst waiting the demons have worked overtime I think of the many times I have sa in this waiting room feeling worthless and wretched with a fear I am slipping down that road again. Frank recognises this phenomena well, and drills down beyond it to get to where I am at. He postulates two theories
1) I am exhausted anxious stressed and reacting normally and actively managing meself.
2) I am at the start of a depressive phase.
We agree to agree on option 1. Which on reflection feels like where I am. Its a bit like a steep sided pit with greasy inclining walls feeling like it has drawn me in. The very fact I have taken the steps I have convinces him and I that I have hold of some rail at the side and am crawling back up that wall. No psychotopics save for a script for sedatives. A dependency for which he would prefer to my current alcohol induced sleep pattern.
The spectre that I may have Bipolar Affective Disorder still looms large and the very fear may actually do more harm than the real disease. I seem to have retained my cognitive behavioural techniques in managing my depressive thoughts. We pray together and discuss at length the balances necessary between work, family, self and God. Cell group tonight.
I have messed my zinc up as well I have been self medicatin with 30mgs a day and he prescribes 250mg. Dunderhead I am.
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