Thursday evening at L'Anchorage

We settle on this for our special meal out the two of us. The place is heaving and is predominant French diners which seems a good sign. Madame cuts an imposing figure and guide us to a nice table for two between two nice french couples who greet us pleasantly. Immediatly struck by the proximity of tables here what I thought were foursomes turn out to be couples. The food coming in and out looks brill. Huge assietes de fruits de mer. The gaff does simple grilled lobster and a choice of crabs. The assiete appeals in its presntation and elegance, byt I don't like oysters and whels seem a waste, winkles don't rate a mention. We opt for Kir Breton as aperitif, its a blackcurrant and cidre combo. A sort of sophisticated cider and black. The menu is awesome, we are truly spoilt for choice.
So starters Jean goes for saumon tartare. Which is a delicious mix of raw salmon, apple, onion and chives with a balsamic dressing. It is served with creme fresh and chive sauce for adding to it.
I head for petroncenelles force (sp) which is stuffed queen scallops. Wowser it was great. Mains gets better Jean does pan fried St Jacques and. I opt for gougonettes de st pierre (john dory) in a creme moules sauce. It was terrific we had some Muscadet and some Cointreau as a digestif. It came to a steep 110€ which would have been ok but over here puts it in the pricey end. But it was worth it for such a gastronomic delight.
Before Jim the editor starts wondering why I chose to post this to menshealth land, I would point out two reasons.
Firstly many people don't understand the effects of bariatric surgery. I won't people to know that at three years out I can sort of eat normally. I also need to remind myself to email a books pubblisher pointing that out.
My second reason for posting it here is about how my bi-polar affects me spending wise. When high I can (and do) go on spending sprees. With a passion for high tech gadgetry and accessible spending thro the web its a 24/7 thing even when you're the only one awake ebay and amazon are at work. Combined with ridiculous credit limits and fresh offers through the post its not hard to see the recipe for disaster. During my last manic phase I bid a few times on a 1972 Dennis pump escape ex Kent fire serices. Seemed like a good plan to me. The lack of storage space or mechanical savvy to maintain it meant nowt to me. When I am down I have delusions of poverty, even though I can see the money in the bank I don't believe its mine or spendable. I make jean acccount for every penny spent. I am racked with guilt about financial decisions and mistakes I have made in the past. I begrudge spending money on me, feeling unworthy of outlay. Last night I had a blip about the bill it shocked me that it was so much and I wondered whether I was worth it. Jean is worthy of more than that but within me, the self loathing doesn't see the worth.
Part of this week and this time of rest and relaxation has taught me I have to learn to give to me as freely as I give to others. I am a good person, though on the black days I feel far from that. Worries about my ill health retirement wll no doubt knock me again. I long ago stopped defining who I was by my status in the NHS, think it was about 1982 when I passed my finals, status is for jerks I always felt, but that was cause I had it. Wonder if I'll feel different soon.