Sunday worries, mortality, and anxiety.

Sunday morning expecting two pieces in the paper about WLS this am one I was involved in by Rachel Cooke in the Observer, and another a member approached the news of the world about. People are worried about them both, me more worried about the NOTW than the Observer. I hunt around online and find a shortened version at

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,6903,1539398,00.html worried about the three individuals involved two of whom have worries for different reasons. My 11.30 my paper copy hasn’t arrived so I hoof it to the top. Get one and by the time I get back ours has been delivered. Mixed but awareness raising is how I feel – a couple of ouch moments for individuals but on the whole it doesn’t come out too bad.

I have more crap going on about this referral. For a bizarre reason and a trigger I couldn’t find I start crying at lunchtime. I feel paralyzed by fear, terrified not of dying but of endless visits to hospital and waiting for results and all that entails. I couldn’t go the shops, couldn’t go on my pc, I watch some trash telly. Jean brings some food and something is point together, some meat balls and pasta I think but my mind has divorced my mouth and its not even registering as a meal.

This week also sees my visit to Occupational Health – to say I am bricking it about that is an understatement. I don’t really have my head round how it works. I see the amusingly named DR Hibbert at Occ Health. I met him a couple of times and begged him not to finish me off. I don’t know where we go from there. The afternoon drags I cant even get into one of fave trash movies the epic a bridge too far, my head is all over the place. Jean kips ally reads and I panic. We eat some salad in the garden, Shortly after tea Frank my GP rings, He is a friend and is looking for a lift to Manc airport next week. Sure says I, after a long How are you conversation.

Starts with are you sure you want to know, Frank as ever is the man. Need to get referred and rule out a pituitary adenoma, this seems to offer a useful factual statement http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=5310

Have an Interesting, is this my anxiety fuelled by my irrational thoughts or is this on top of the interview scary stuff.

One is bad enough the two are a ball breaker – result being scared is natural. Frank also reminds me about my PTSD which is enuff to scare me more than any growth in the nut.

Can I point out that since worrying about this, this am I have an increasing incidence of neurological signs. These range from headache tremor, and just a sensation that have a huge growing thing in my nut.

Hmm a worry when and what to tell my mum, Brother David if you read this don’t say nowt to her. I shall consult with Mary – let her tell her seems a cowards way out but an excellent plan..