Made me smile in a David Brent type way. Its headed Nice Lady Doctors
1) To save time, please remove knickers before entering the consulting room. No more than one layer of loose fitting clothing should be worn.
Breast lumps should be clearly marked. Before you ask, the reason your stomach is swollen is that you are fat.
(2) Nice Lady Doctors (NLD) are trained to completely ignore inflammatory terms such as " constant projectile vomiting", "hair falling out in handfuls" and "I feel like a ninety year old". So don't bother using them.
(3) Please consider bringing the NLD a gift of some extra strength air freshener or pot pourri. It really pisses us off that we have to buy our own. It isn't us who stink.
(4) Nice Lady Doctors have no additional training in period problems. We have our own periods, of course, but consider periods to be a strictly private matter of absolutely no interest whatsoever to anyone else, and we wouldn't dream of boring you with the details.
(5) Don't consult the NLD to discuss your concerns about the health and habits of your beer-swilling, couch-potato, half-witted husband. We can assure you that you are the only female on this planet concerned with his welfare
(6) The NLD may appear tired, frazzled or even suicidal to you. This is because she may have problems of her own. If you wish to see a doctor who can devote their entire attention to your numerous worries, make an appointment with a male doctor.
(7) Do not make the mistake of believing we know just what you are talking about. Our lives are not like yours. For example, we do not have time to consult our GP.
(8) It may astonish you to learn that no cures exist for feeling tired all the time, farting noisily, or a pain in your right ear which occurs once every 200 years. Nice Lady Doctors do not, in actual fact, have a magic wand in their desk. Weak kittens should be treated by a vet.
(9) NLDs greatly appreciate your expensive gifts and public expressions of gratitude However, offering to loan the doctor your size 22 purple chiffon Marquee style evening dress will result in your removal from our list
(10) Men should not consult Nice Lady Doctors. We will think you are a wimp or a pervert. We will laugh hilariously at your inadequate physique when we meet up with other NLDs
(11) Only use approved laboratory containers for urine specimens. Using a Bacardi miniature can put us off our favourite tipple for life.
(12) Lists should be legibly written on clean paper. Please show the doctor the entire list to increase our amusement. Expect to have at least half of what you have written ignored. We haven't got all day.
(13) Nice Lady Doctors are not born with a special slimness gene. If your NLD is a size 10 it is because she does not gorge herself on fish and chips whilst watching Australian soaps all day, and nor should you. If the NLD is generously proportioned, she probably has a medical problem with her glands
(14) Nice Lady Doctors are not clairvoyants. We do not know exactly when your baby will be born, nor do we know when your menopause will be. We do not know how long you will continue to suffer terribly, or when they will finally invent a cure for your red cheeks or sweaty feet.
(15) Nice Lady Doctors do not know for certain why your husband doesn't listen to you, or why he ran off with a neighbour, or why he never remembers your Wedding Anniversary. We can, however, hazard a reasonable guess
(16) Nice Lady Doctors will often have children of their own. Such children, will, of course, never be bed-wetters, fussy eaters, drug addicts or obese slobs because we are the founts of all knowledge, blessed with perfect lives.
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