Flexible Sigmoidoscopy.

It's not as nice as it sounds, basically a telescope up your bum. I had it done a few years ago, I had irritable bowel syndrome type stuff but I had convinced myself it was a bowel neoplasm. I should have explained I suffer from hypochondria, but you have probably noticed. I was referred to the Royal Hospital, didn't take long and you were asked to discuss your bowels with a specialist nurse at the start of the procedure. She gave me a questionnaire with about 36 signs and symptoms of bowel disorder on them, I ticked all but one, constipation. I could have chatted to her all day, she was pleasant, charming and genuinely interested in my bowel habits. I don't like to brag -but hey . After that I was dispatched to a room with a couch in, lie on your left side said the nurse, just while I slip this enema in. Hold on this voice is familiar, it is Lesley J,Hannahs mum. This is one of Ally's friends, no way, she's not doing that to me, I made myself known to her, she claimed not to recognise me from behind. How could I engage in polite small talk on the schoolyard after she has done that - no way. She got one of her ex-mates to do me instead. Oh it was a hoot - Hold on to that tightly and relax she said. If I could do that I would be in a circus I suggested - to no-one in particular. Needless to say it worked, and I was nearly at the toilet. That done she gave me a size 8 surgical gown to protect my modesty. Clutching my trainers and jeans I scurried into the next room, obviously for anaesthesia I presumed. No such luck, I was told to put my kecks back on and lie on my left side, just loosen them and drop a bit so we can get the camera in - he said. Turns out he (the surgeon ) is the husband of a girl I work with (I know what they'll be discussing tonight - not). It is the work of moments, he whipped it in, whipped it out and wiped it. Stand up go through this door and you'll hear from your GP in 2 weeks. Obviously the door leads to a darkened room with soft couches where nurses with tea and coffee let you recover in splendour for days. But no, its straight on to the main corridor at the Royal, My zip is stuck and three foot of blue tissue paper extends from the back of my jeans. Hurrah the NHS. I felt like Mr Benn returning after one of his adventures. You can see why I am reluctant to mention bowel symptoms again........