Road to Revision

Its been a long slow journal my weight log diligently kept till I really started gaining shows a interesting journey. I can support this with pictures too. No doubt my blog tells some of the truth too. I lost 16 stone in year one. I became an exercise junkie. I loved it< and fully embraced a complete lifestyle change. It seemed the more I did the more I could eat and the more I would lose weight. The next stone in about the same period. The following year an acute obstruction, peritonitis and pneumonia took me down to 15 something. I didn’t look good. They put me on a diet to build me up. After two years of eat less being my mantra they started to chant eat more eat more. I can remember being in hospital being ravenous and eating what I wanted (with the staffs permission). M&S trifles became a firm favourite. I had dumped a handful of times in year one, but sadly no more.
My mental health which has never been great rumbled along in various stages. I had a hypomanic episode in year one followed by a depressive episode. A diagnosis of Bi-polar followed swiftly, I was reluctant to accept this initially and did so at my peril. I eventually became 100% compliant on medication. Anti depressants and sodium valproate. I was to suffer the effects of the black dog of depression on several occasions since and live aware it may be round the corner.
I tried to get back into exercise with some success, its positive virtues made sense, it did lift my mood if I could be bothered to get there.
I turned to increased amounts of alcohol, for its pharmacotherapeutic effect and paid scant regard to its calorific value. As a positive, my passion for malt whiskey which I had abandoned before my op never returned.
My full time employment ceased I felt blessed to be pensioned off due to ill health. My mental health was making working at senior manager level in a high stress environment unsustainable. I got a new post at a very junior admin level part time giving me all the positive virtues of work with none of the downsides.
In March 2006 I suffered a fit, later to be diagnosed as the first sign of a sub arachnoid haemorrhage, I underwent minimally invasive neuro surgery, and was back at home before I knew what had happened. I lost my driving licence and I was constantly fatigued and plagued with severe headaches. I took the maximum dose of pain killers ranging from paracetamol, through codeine to tramadol. Alcohol seemed to help my sleep pattern, though looking back that was an illusion.
I was officially told to put my feet up and not to exert myself – for once advice from professionals which I complied with 100%.
I was angry, why had this happened to me? What had I done to deserve this. I tried as ever in my life to rebel, to do the opposite of best advice. I thought I knew what was good for me.
It took five months to come to my senses, I had little insight into the mess I was in. My mental health tetered, my personality under went changes. I was supported admirably over this couple of years by a clinical psychologist who helped me learn.
I decided to stop drinking in August 2006 and sought help from several agencies, friends, and professionals to help extract me from one part of my situation. In check date I underwent a weeks management in the neuro unit to treat my headaches. It involved cessation of all painkillers, intravenous infusions and caffeine free diet. It worked despite my scepticism.
My spiritual health has been a factor in this journey. I have been a Christian since 1990 and have had three dalliances with organised Churches and 1 fellowhip. My belief and values are stronger than ever, though still I am far from perfect and see myself as a work in progress. I believe that good works and deeds will help oneself often more than who you help and it continues to be part of things.
My self esteem (a lifelong problem) remains in a buoyant state. I often feel that I have a switch with only two settings – full on and full off. If I join a club I want to be a big part, achieve great things. I have traditionally found long term commitment impossible I set up WLSinfo with a plan to withdraw after 6 months and maybe I am changing for the better in that I continue to commit. I don’t know all the answers in fact I think I know less now than when I started, but life feels a whole lot better today than it has for a long time.
I have just got up to review this, count words and make a cup of tea. There seems to be a major omission. Apart from passing reference to trifle food doesn’t seem to get a mention. Thats unfair it obviously played a major part of the picture of regain. My omission, or initial denial is something I have often seen in fellow suffers from obesity. Even some less enlightened Health care professionals sneer at the 34 stone patient who claims to survive on lettuce. I believe at my biggest my inability to discuss this was through self disgust and even a disbelief that I could do such injurious things to myself. I believe those feelings are compounded by being a health care professional and by having lost the weight once before. I have heard talk about the slimmer of the year syndrome, where successful dieters gain the weight. The spotlight of exposure and the media make it worse, and in February I turned down a TV appearance because of my appearance. Even the action of sitting at the front of a group or on a stage can put pressures on.
I have heard an eminent professor say we are all obesophobic and harbour negative attitudes to fat and fat people. That applies even to obesity professionals and extends to patients (even the ex obese) themselves.
I have faced some hard harsh comments about my weight and have tried to deal with them honestly and openly. Some still hurt.
Even now I continue to prevaricate my portion sizes grew exponentially. I could devour a three course meal, or a complete fish and chip supper though feel full. My passion for cakes and sweet things had exploded. In the last few months I could open a packet of biscuits and not stop till the last had gone and I had eaten a days food, and full knew each morsels calorific content. I know what its like to full disgust afterwards too. To eat so fast I would be looking for leftovers, to make special stops on the way home from work.
Buying new bigger clothes became a nightmare, I remember the delight when I started shopping at the normal shops after my first op, but felt it more deeply when forced back to my old internet suppliers. Fortunately friends helped in this situation.
It became a spiral put on weight feel crap eat more put on weight feel crap. Fortunately I had continuous after care and was being monitored. I needed help.